This is line for line, word for word, a direct transcript of a recent conversation as seen and heard at Abercrombie & Fitch on Fifth Avenue. I call it, “WHY TEENAGERS REALLY SHOP.”
REAL BLONDE: Oh my God, look at this! (Points to two-tiered table)
FAKE BLONDE: What?
REAL BLONDE: This! (Holds up abbreviated plaid western style shirt)
FAKE BLONDE: This?
REAL BLONDE: Yeah.
FAKE BLONDE: They’re totally hot.
REAL BLONDE: It’s like $64…on sale!
FAKE BLONDE: Like, for real?
REAL BLONDE: *%$#! I hate this store, it’s such a rip-off.
FAKE BLONDE: My mom says I can get a job at the one in the Paramus Mall when I’m a senior.
REAL BLONDE: You know you have to be a model.
FAKE BLONDE: Why are we here? I’m tired. I’m so over….
REAL BLONDE: …This is sick!. (Points to jeans cut to pieces)
FAKE BLONDE: I love those.
REAL BLONDE: Mandy has a pair…
FAKE BLONDE: Mandy has everything!
REAL BLONDE: She’s such a *%$#
FAKE BLONDE: I hate her. She was born out of wedlock.
REAL BLONDE: Duh! I hate her too. I can’t believe we used to be best friends.
FAKE BLONDE: She is so lame…she plays the tuba.
REAL BLONDE: For real?
FAKE BLONDE: Not.
REAL BLONDE: (Looks at cute boy folding A&F polos) I love his hair. Take his picture…please!!!!!
FAKE BLONDE: Go talk to him.
REAL BLONDE: You think?
FAKE BLONDE: That’s what he’s paid for. Why are we here? It’s so freakin’ cold!!!
REAL BLONDE: No one is talking to us. (Refers to pack of boys in board shorts and t-shirts goofing off) What about them?
FAKE BLONDE: They look like stuck-up. I need to buy something. Pay attention.
REAL BLONDE: Why?
FAKE BLONDE: So I can get a bag…hello?
REAL BLONDE: Just ask for one.
FAKE BLONDE: Yeah, like they just hand out bags. Get real!
–Ron Knoth, Guest Blogger